23 – quit playing games

So here I am again. Contemplating letting the other foot out of the door, but the heart demands otherwise. The situation becomes a tad bit hilarious when I realise that you have no say whatsoever in this matter and all that is going on is just a little film inside my head where you play a leading role. A role where you say nothing, express nothing and just do nothing. You’ve become an idol that I pray to, hoping that one day I get some sort of response from a stoned structure. It’s just that God actually responds sometimes, you don’t.

I wish I had the guts to confront you, just like those old days, but opinions of the people around me are all the same. That it’ll be of no use. How much I want to just be my stubborn own self and refuse to listen to them and just go ahead and do what I want to anyway is something you will never understand.

You’ve become an imaginary friend. No wonder Jenny left, because you took over. Now Jenny’s not returning and you seem disinterested to get out of my head/heart. I feel like I have a World War going on in my head sometimes, with me trying to shoo you away but more importantly, me trying to shoo away the one thing that is stopping me from shooing you away. Confusing, I know.

It just hit me that it’s been more than a year. I still feel the same way for you, because I have a bad habit of forgiving but not forgetting. I should learn to let go, they say, but maybe I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to let go of memories of all the good times we spent together. They felt like a little girl’s dream of her prince charming sweeping her off her feet in the most subtle ways possible.

You made me feel that. If all else fails, at least feel good about yourself for making a girl feel that way, k?

*tries to smile*

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