17 – because women love talking..

Communication. Somehow people who educate themselves in communication have a problem communicating, or simply dislike it.

I miss the days where hours would go by just talking to you. This is not some mushy bullshit. This is a friend missing another friend’s company. This is a girl missing the opinions (which were mostly negative and rude, albeit hilarious) of an older guy. I looked up to you, literally too. I saw passion for the things you did, I saw how ambitious you were. I never told you this, because like you, I don’t like giving compliments. You, my friend, were some sort of inspiration.

It started fading away though. Your ungratefulness got to my nerves. Your accusations made me tear. You probably think the same of me, but you will never understand what I’m doing. The logic behind your actions is the fear of “leading me on”, while mine is just emotional imbalance. I tolerated everything about you, even down right to the fact that you are nowadays too busy to hang out like usual. I’m fine with that. I just could not stand it when, there I was trying to make you look good in people’s eyes, while you decided to prove them right instead. You know how I hate losing, and although this is not my game I would have appreciated some sort of honesty on your end. Not to anyone else, but to yourself. Is this how you are with everyone, I wonder? Like Eddie Izzard said we women are satellite dishes picking up signals called “intuition”, and mine says you’re not happy. You’re hiding something that shouldn’t be hidden. I don’t mean to make you upset with the things I say but you are the sole cause to everything that is failing around you. You will hate me for saying this, but you know I’m right. You’ll just never admit it because you hate being wrong.

Which is all fine and dandy. I don’t want anything. Just give me my God damn friend back. I wish I understood what you were going through. I may not be the best friend you’ve ever had but if you claim to trust me so much why keep this distance?

Can someone please answer my questions already?

16 – radical honesty ftw .. or not?

I have a terrible relationship with honesty. At times, I bow to it as though it were the king that ruled my life, and at other times I choose to chuck it aside.

It’s hard being radically honest in today’s society. What I think is “funny”, or “true”, may be offensive, rude, ridiculous, lame, even, to others. I understand that occasionally we have to hold our tongues back, because it can get very disrespectful when we speak our minds. Say for instance, I’ll never tell my parents they are wrong to their faces, even if I know they are. You can’t teach old dogs new tricks, they say. Or I would just smile at a religious leader if I disagree with something he/she has to say. I will however tell an older person off if he/she crosses the line of being decent or is speaking utter rubbish. And I don’t necessarily think we should be completely honest at work – we need to be able to draw a line between work and personal issues.

Unfortunately, I have a problem being honest with people in my “friend circle”. At times I laugh when I think they are being ridiculous even if it seems rude, I tell them I don’t like something they do, I swear, curse, my thoughts come aloud, making people think I should be diagnosed with Bipolar or Multiple Personality Disorder, and well, you name it. Sometimes, though, I don’t know if I should draw a line, if I should tell myself, maybe you should just shut up, girl, maybe they don’t want to know the truth, maybe it’s best for them to live in their little self-absorbed world (everyone is self-absorbed, even me – truth I strongly believe in).

I am capable of being afraid to tell a guy friend that he’s actually very good looking, when I’m sure if I tell him that he won’t feel anything but good about himself. I’m scared to tell a girl friend she’s being too melodramatic, when telling her might just help her clear her mind so she could think straight. Why am I so afraid to do the right thing? Maybe it’s because of the “mind your own business” policy we have. But, I don’t get it, if you want me to mind my own business, one, why did you tell me everything that you just did, two, why do you call me your friend?

The question I ask myself at the end of the day, one that has helped me so far, is “would I want to know the truth?”. The part where it doesn’t help, however, is the fact that the answer to that question is usually yes. I have been kept away from the truth all my life and I want to set into some sort of epic journey into radical honesty where I don’t have to hold anything back and nobody should hold anything back from me either. It hurts when people tell you things that you really wish you didn’t have to hear but what good can you learn from being kept in the dark?

The whole point of me writing this post today is because I have been lying to a very good friend, or at least someone who I think is a very good friend. I have been hiding my emotions in hopes that he will be happy, but I’m guessing I’m not helping him, with him being in a pretty tight situation now. I’m not happy that he lied to me, although he denies he did, but the signs are just too obvious and there is no logic that can convince me otherwise. I believe in a balance between logic and emotions which is pulling me apart because logically he doesn’t make any sense but emotions convince me to believe everything he says. Instead of clearly telling him how I feel, I started lying too. And I haven’t been able to sleep properly knowing that I’ve been holding so much anger back and releasing it by lying to him. I feel guilty.

Another friend told me the other day, that maybe I should just accept the friend above as the way he is. The problem is, I do, but I feel like this friend doesn’t accept me for who I am, and I find it unfair. That, is my honest opinion. Many people don’t like me for my “rude” behaviour, but I’m just being honest. And I can understand how he feels, because he’s like that too. Oh my, I successfully pushed away the only other person I know who could have understood my quest towards radical honesty.

Way to go, girl. Haha.

15 – don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful

There has been too much talk about the whole local girl dating white men issue that I can’t help but blog about it myself. Conform, I must (to the blogging, not the dating, lol)!

I find it rather upsetting actually – the surge of local girls who prefer foreigners, or shall I say westerners, since that seems to be the preference, over local men. I do have a problem with it, but I think that’s just because I am a cultured person and I don’t believe as much in inter-racial relationships, not because it’s taboo or anything, but because I haven’t gone through a relationship of such nature. No hate, just not feeling it, though.

It is not uncommon for a woman these days to fall for a man of another race, regardless of what it is, which is really, fine by me. As an Indian, I do irk when I see an Indian man walking hand in hand with a woman of a different race, but hey, that’s just me being jealous. But, oh well, right? In this day and age anything can happen. Neither, however, is it uncommon for one to label a local girl with a westerner for a boyfriend as an “SPG”. It’s just one of those stereotypes that they have to carry when they fall for a person from that part of the world. A majority, I believe, do fall under the stereotypes attached to that label – money-hungry, unattractive, loose, etc. I would normally agree, but lately I’ve found that there are a minority, although an increasing one, that aren’t like that. The relationships they enter follow the same process that you or me go through. They become friends, date, fall in love.. the whole deal.

Now, see, I’m not saying that I don’t have a problem with the East-West bonding and all, but my problem isn’t with the racial issue. I have a problem with the concept behind it. Many girls say that westerners are more matured. In fact, I read a forum where westerners were claimed to be more accepting of one’s true nature (i.e. if you’re fat, it’s okay). I find that point seriously flawed. I know many Asians who accept me for the way I am and if they don’t, it’s probably because they have been too exposed to the media’s portrayal of what defines a woman as beautiful – tall, skinny, yadaa yadaa. You catch my drift? This begs the question of which media portrays this depiction of woman most? Which country in the world sits in the centre of popular culture? Yeah, you got that right alright. And why is it that local men claim otherwise when their girls say westerners are better? First of all, I believe that there is no comparison. Asian values and the values that westerners have are different. However, what gives a local man (or woman for that matter) who claims to be influenced by western values, or idolizes western celebrities, or is influence by western music, or thinks that Abraham Lincoln is a bigger hero than Mahatma Gandhi or LKY (FYI, I don’t know who is better and I don’t think it’s deemed fit to compare these historical figures who come from different settings) the right to say that he/she is better than a westerner when he/she’s just trying to become one of them? Hmm?

This topic cannot, for all the reasons in the world, be generalized. It’s like saying ALL Singaporeans are kiasu. It’s a stereotype, most people have no choice but to fall into it. Maybe, just maybe, they are “SPG”s, but maybe not? Maybe they got fed up of the egoistic treatment they get from Singaporean men who think they are too good for these local girls who then end up going for westerners, who by the way, may think the same way about the women in their country (men have very similar grounds for ego)? Singaporean men then start getting angry at the intensity of which local women choose foreigners over them and then blame it on the woman for being detached from her “Asian” values, when they never ask themselves if they would actually date that particular woman if they had a chance to? I’m guessing a majority of them would say no, though, because she probably is “unattractive”. I do hope I’m wrong though.

I have not been raised in Singapore. I come from a country where people fall in love with each other simply because. No reasons, excuses, whatsoever attached. No comparison of how their exes were more attractive, no value placed on monetary issues (well not much at least), almost none on educational background. They live in the now. You like me? I’m single? Ok, let’s try and work this out. Some may say it’s desperate – but aren’t we all? Aren’t we all craving for another half deep down inside? Just that little bit of companionship, I say. It’s different here. Many say they don’t adhere to the social norms, they don’t conform, they are different, and whathaveyous, but they aren’t. I’ve met too many who fall under the stereotype I personally have against Singaporeans. It’s not a bad thing, I mean, different country, different culture, it’s just the way it is, but it just makes me wonder why Singaporeans, who are much more modern and supposedly civilized question things that they have brought about themselves? Why worry about the incline of SPGs when it doesn’t affect you? If you say it does, then why brood upon it when the girl you like goes for a foreigner when you have a local girl waiting to give you her love? Why turn angsty and decide that since you’ve been left for a foreigner, you now shall leave all local girls and you prefer foreign girls instead? No hate on the race of men, but stop letting your women go. Women are suckers (no pun intended) for a man who can make her feel independent and confident. That does not in any way mean that she’s better than you, as your ego claims. And if she does turn out, really, to be better than you, then that should in fact fuel your ego because it is after all your love that made her become what she is now. But no, everyone is a pessimistic, right? Sigh, then again, that’s another story altogether.

See. Too much argument. Headache ah.

I say just adapt to things. If your friend is in a position where she’s fallen in love with a white man, make it a point to get to know him. If you still can’t like it, so be it. If you do, good for you, seems like you made a new friend.

And most important of all, do not judge a book by its cover. Please.

14 – thank you for not loving me

Half-ass inspiration, I call it.

I know you won’t be a big part of my life anymore. I can see it slowly fading away, but I have no regrets, and yes, I admit, it is mostly my fault that it has come to this. But it’s alright, because as much as I hate the fact that this is happening, I thank you for showing me the woman I never thought existed inside of me.

I attempted to change myself to impress you. I’m sort of glad it didn’t work. I always knew you’re not that shallow, contrary to popular belief. And yet here I am thanking you for somehow, subconsciously having my back for everytime that I tried doing something different. You never complimented me on anything I did, and that was exactly what I needed. I somehow hate compliments, mostly because I don’t know how to react to them, yet I secretly scream with joy inside when I’m showered with them. You kept it simple. You made me change. I am grateful for the change was nothing spectacular, but subtle, slow, comfortable.

Now here I sit writing this down, a girl who will willingly straighten her hair because it’s much easier to keep, will wear that pair of heels because it makes me look nice (?), and has purchased her first top (albeit shirt) from Mango and it’s green in colour.

Booya.

So there, thank you. You did something so many others tried but failed doing.

13 – what about… me?

I’m beginning to wonder about myself. It’s not a hidden fact anymore than I like being overpowered by a man. I have no problems if he’s taller, physically more attractive (which is always the case, of course), smarter, funnier, whatever-er, than me. In fact, I think he should be. Anytime I find a man who has a “flaw” as stupid as, well, spelling, I get turned off. But I actually like it when he has bigger flaws, like someone with too much pride on the exterior but lacks confidence, a know-it-all to everyone else but a humble young man at heart. I think I’m attracted to confused cases. Hur.

It’s very rare to find someone who thinks exactly like you these days. I’m not talking about girlfriends, because I’m very lucky to have friends who aren’t too bimbotic or too geeky for my liking. I mean, I wouldn’t dare ask for more than what I already have. But, you know, I was watching this comedy clip on YouTube where the lady mentioned on how, as we women grow older, the fluttering of eyelashes reduces and the interrogation of men begins. It’s no longer “oh my God he’s so cute – gimme!”, it’s more like “is he really the one? I need to make sure”. It’s like a quest now, for the right one to come along. Someone who we think is the right one may or may not be the right one, even if you have a OMGWTF major crush on him. So you ask questions, you dig deeper, you throw all possible scenarios at the bugger and wait for reactions. You see what you like, what you dislike, you reason with yourself. You see what flaws you can accept, what you need to change (within yourself, cause good luck in trying to change a man!), etc.

It’s a lot of work. Unfortunately, I think, it has to be done, because “love” is no longer something sacred, something that just happens. We have to make it happen. The one thing that was the easiest to come by some twenty or more years ago is now the most difficult and painstaking thing to achieve. Some people get lucky, while others have to work hard. Either way, we all need it. Somehow or another, we do.

I’ve also learnt that I don’t want to throw myself into any relationship whatsoever. I have a million crushes on a million guys but there’s always that one that I’d like to “lean on”. I’m still holding my stand on not giving “my all” to anyone but the man who I’m going to tie the knot with (haha, poor dude!), but if all you want in a relationship is to hold hands, well, you got it – because at certain times all we need is that little bit of companionship. I mean, after all, why bother going through so much when it’s going to end anyway? And if it doesn’t end, then GREAT! Understanding that is necessary, I believe. That said, my principles and values are way too hard-wired into me and will not sway to any man’s needs/wants.

I don’t agree with many things you say. I’m sure you don’t either. But I know we all have flaws, and as much as you hate change and are always resistant to this and that, I know you want to become a better person. So do I. Unfortunately, I don’t have the guts to be this clear and “understanding” around you. I’m thinking I shouldn’t bother, I should just go ahead and be the “Man” that I am. I see that look in your eyes when we talk, and you always say things that I’m thinking about, you recommend hanging out at places I always dream we would chill at, and sometimes we even burst out laughing and say the same things at the same time randomly. As kiddy and fairytale like that sounds, it’s nice. There are so many things I want to tell you, that although you won’t be too happy about, I’m sure you’ll just listen because you know you would eventually get a taste of the brutal honesty you throw at other people.

So, what now? Maybe I’m after all “traditional” and want you to make the first move? I don’t know. I want to tell you EXACTLY how I feel, but something’s holding me back, though. I wonder what it is.

Where my girls at?

12 – kindness for weakness

A particular event has been occurring one too many times in my life. It compels me to question myself, in fear of being the fault-bearer. After much thought, I find that the fault lies in neither party, yet, there is just a mere lack of understanding that emotions are to be tucked away in some corner of our minds when we are engaging with one another in the working world.

Emotions are a serious disturbance at work. Do not allow them to faze you, or put you down, for if it is given the chance to do so, it will. An interesting conversation with a few friends resulted in an agreement that neither compassion nor responsibility, both being acts of selflessness, should be associated with work, for they cannot co-exist. Which is why, I think that it’s quite important to make sure that you are not misled by the sweet words and professional jargon used to convince you to be either compassionate, or to take responsibility at work – work being a place where the mind is required to think in a selfish, logical way, and where one is required to fulfill duties, as per his/her job scope.

It’s all about thinking straight, I guess.

*Swats the imaginary fly that has been buzzing around her head*

11 – oh, what a tangled web we weave

Dear self,

I’m simply going to jot my thoughts down, at random intervals, from now onwards, whether you like it or not. Afraid of being caught in the web spun by the corporate world, it with its endless, yet uncanny ways of playing tricks on people’s minds, I’m going to allow my mind to wander, my imagination to run freely, now that my very sanity lies in its hands.

What life was and what it has become are the opposite poles of a magnet, attracted to each other through this sorry excuse of a worldly body. No longer am I determined to excel for the happiness of others, rather I choose to drown in my sorrows, only to arise, or dare I say resurrect, as a better person. My thoughts and imaginations, I pray, will help me find myself, if not now, then someday. Someday, when I’m in a better place, when I look back, I would want to smile and tell myself, “God damn, girl, you got skills!”

Peaches and pies, candies and diamonds in the sky.

10 – and up, up, up the stairs we go

I had a good time volunteering at UnConference today. And what a small world – found out Joanna’s friend, Shahidah works there too! I’m extremely tired, though, as it’s been a while since I’ve done registration of this sort. I’m just a tad upset that I didn’t get to catch any of the speakers/presentations, but all is well, for twitter saves the day.

And besides, I’m at ease now and am reading through their blog to find out more about the start-ups that participated in the conference and what start-ups, in general, are all about. I’m seriously amazed by the number of them in the market place – and the best part is that all these websites are all so interesting. I ran through a few, and have already bookmarked three in the past 10 minutes!

I did a bit of additional research, too – since I suck at all these economic-business-marketplace jargon thingamajigs. I’ve been wanting to invest, since I lack creativity to come up with my own ideas to invest in, but was never able to understand how to do so. I still don’t have a very good idea, but I read up on the term “angel investors” (sounds so nice, no?) and gained a better understanding of the how-tos of investment. Still need to read up and use my brain a LOT more though. There seem to be a lot of risk factors that need to be taken into consideration, and all this requires a lot of thought, research and hard work.

But, oh well, it’s about time I “started”. Up.

Lame. *Snort*

9 – i used to love you, uh uh uh uh uh

Life is full of little miracles. We don’t notice it often, but when you sit back and think about it, how many times have you come across an exceptionally adorable child whenever you’re down in the dumps? Or that moment where your entire mood changed from sad to happy just because your favourite song suddenly blasts through the speakers of some random shop or mall?

Or, in my case, how four people can make me smile in one day. I’ve always taken such little pleasures lightly, but it’s only lately that I’ve been able to appreciate my friends and the little things they do even more. Life no longer revolves around work, well, probably because I don’t have a job, but I’m no longer obsessed with wanting one. I listen to music more often, stop all work to watch some stupid video clip and I’ve been reading religiously, too! Oh and well, kind of trying to improve my vocabulary – thanks to a certain friend.

Unfortunately, and we all know it, life isn’t as easy as we wish for it to be. I have faced a couple of “blows”, one after another, just this week in fact. It’s hard trying to keep a sane mind but I’m very glad I’ve not been panicking about it, because the calm mind does help me think more practically. I know what to do now, or, at least I think I do. It’s just a matter of sitting down and getting things right. To start of, there’s volunteering tomorrow, launching of a new blog shop soon and finishing up on some web projects shortly. Thinking of taking on a new project but I would need some help with that. Let’s see how that goes.

This is just the beginning, though, he said. I’m very afraid of what’s going to come next in my life, but I hope to keep up the calmness and take things one at a time.

Slowly but surely.

8 – support the tiger foundation